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Cats Bullying Humans on Rise

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Cat bullying is again on the rise. According to Discovery news, a woman walking with her daughter and French poodle were attacked and bullied by a ‘gang of feral cats‘ on a recent walk. The experience marks the beginning of a long-dreaded feline takeover.

Josette Galliot, the victim reports on her harrowing experience, “The cats jumped on my daughter and managed to knock her over. They bit her on the leg and on her arms. They even pierced an artery.”

Witnesses report that the group of tabbies wore leather jackets and were seen “snapping” as they strolled down a street in downtown Belfort – a town known for its feline street gangs.

“They’re untouchable,” said a frightened resident who declined to be identified. “They’ve been robbing pet food stores and vandalizing animal control buildings. We fear for our safety.”

Domestic cats are rising in support of their feral cousins. Popular cat meme stars all weighed in on the activity.

“Cats attacked humans?” asked GrumpyCat. “Good…”

“We should all find a way to work together,” said Annie, the popular cat author of the Conservation Cub Club. “Masai warriors – some of the most feared lion hunters in the world – have not only made peace with lions, but now actively protect them. And that is in the middle of Africa where lions are really feared!  Why can’t other humans just make peace with cats?”

We don’t know, Annie… We don’t know. But it could be due to ignorant people and journalists who don’t fact check.

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This is not a new problem. According to a recent study from a popular bird watcher group, over 86 percent of humans believe that cats are bullies. The study, conducted over three years at a cost of nearly $15 billion, studied 22 cats and their owners.

“Money well spent,” said Dr. Cathater, a well known avian expert.

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Dr. Cathater sat down with us and explained the study. “We must understand the problem to remedy the solution. The problem is not limited to feral cats. It expands to domestic cats too. They are murderers – murderers and bullies, I say!”

According to his study:

  • 92 percent of cat owners state that their cats refuse to come when called.
  • 76 percent of cat guardians admit that their cats occasionally walk across them in the middle of night
  • 12 percent report that their cats sleep on their head at night
  • nearly 80 percent refuse to give up the pillow to their human
  • a remarkable 93 percent report that their cat refuses to come when called
  • a shocking 82 percent of cats sleep for more than fifteen hours per day

“It’s like they’re mocking me,” said Jacob Smith, a man owned by four cats. “I work hard to make a living, often at wages well below the national average. I buy food for them, change their litter box, even buy catnip toys, and some days all they do is sleep! They even walk away from me when I try to pet them. It’s humiliating.”

Public humiliation and assaults in the form of sneak attacks on feet are other problems for those who own cats. Other pet parents complain of cats who climb curtains, refuse to eat when they’re told and repeatedly attempt to escape from the home.

“There have been times when I answer the front door only to have Snooky bolt outside, despite my previous warnings,” says Keenan Jones, who is owned by a female tabby. “Snooky once darted in front of me while I was walking, intentionally attempting to make me trip. It’s really quite scary.”

(It should be noted that Snooky the cat rejects these allegations and has retained legal protection while the charges are investigated.)

Alice Cattery, a feline psychologist, takes a different approach and publicly states that owners should allow their cats to bully them. “Cats are independent creatures and must be allowed to feel superior. They were once treated as Gods in Ancient Egypt and they deserve the same roles  in this day and time.”

Says John Jinks, owner of two tuxedo cats and two calicos, “It’s shameful that I provide food and water, clean litter boxes, and support my cats through their numerous ailments only to have them refuse to come when called. But, really – what can I do?”

The White House recently acknowledged the growing problem and stated that only dogs will reside in the White House. “Unfortunately, there will not be a First Cat during my presidency,” President Barack Obama said in a recent town hall meeting…

[note type=”warning” icon=”yes”]Note from Author: Recently, we’re seeing a war being waged against cats. I felt the need to respond to some of the ridiculous stories we’re seeing in mainstream media and this is how I decided to do it. While the stories it is addressing are real, the tongue-in-cheek is meant to be just that… Smile. No cats (or humans) were harmed in the writing of this article.[/note]


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